Dear Revrend Ted Haggerty

Dear Reverend Ted Haggerty,

Just wanted to send you a note of encouragement and support while you are in rehab battling math addiction. My nephew Ray-Ray says you was arrested for doing math in the hancicapped bathroom stall at that Luby’s in Guthrie, OK with something called a “Rent-Boy.” I’ve never had a head for figures myself. Or reading for that matter.

I never knew it was a crime to do math in a public restroom. Dang Democrats! Before you know it, they’ll be outlawing all the important things that matter in life, like prayer in public schools!

Revrend, I want you to know that you are such an important figure in our community. And Popular, two! Especially with the young men in your flock. I’m sure it’s because of your yearly bible study retreat to Fire Island for young Christian men ages 18-24. I wish I had me that kind of love!

Revrend, you are in my prayers.

Yours in Christ,

Constance “Connie” Flagtwat

P. S.

Please send my best to your wife Debi-Su. She called me again at 3 am this morning wanting to buy my left-over oxy. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I sold the last pill to you.